is this real life?

I think today’s post should have been yesterday’s and yesterday’s today’s. I am still getting the hang of this so I’ll write it today. I am going to try to write in the morning about the day before. That seems less confusing for me and I keep getting woken up early anyways for some reason 😉

I’m a chubby gal and I’m ok with that. I haven’t always felt that way and it’s been a very long journey to get here but it’s a wonderful feeling to love your body exactly as it is.

In the past I have thought some pretty awful stuff about my body and done some not so helpful or healthy things to it. I’ve made jokes to people before they could make them first, avoided at all cost letting other women see it, and let my self worth be based on the size of my pants.

Last summer I started to run. A wonderful friend who always inspires and encourages me (and I’m so thankful she does) started a couch to 5k running group. If she hadn’t started the group I wouldn’t be writing this blog or have this story to share.

It started out with me telling her I am only going to old lady fast walk when we meet up to run. She said, “ok cool, maybe later on after a few meetings you’ll run.” I said, “nope, I’m good with old lady fast walking.”

I’m pretty sure I’m going to stop saying no because the second you say, no I can’t, the big bearded hippy in the sky says, oh yes you can!
It was a fight to go every time to the group. I would wake up and think:

nope, I’m not doing this
I’m f$:@ing so mad I said I would do this
why are you making me do this bearded hippy
everyone is already in shape
I’m the only chubster
at this point I would start crying
Lance can we pray

Fast forward to our 4th meeting. I’m old lady fast walking as usual and as I’m doing it I start praying. That was the only way I knew how to take my mind off thinking about how much longer I was going to endure this torture! As I’m praying I think,

you should run
Nooo f%#^ing way I’m running
try it
I don’t want to
come on, you can do it
no I can’t
yes, trust me you can
no! someone is going to yell at me from their car

(Ok here’s a little back story so that last one makes sense. One time back in college I was walking on campus with a friend and someone yelled out of their car as they passed me, “no fat chicks”. There were all sorts of people around when it happened. At the time I was very insecure about my body and felt so unbelievable embarrassed and ashamed.)

As I’m old lady fast walking and having this conversation in my head I decided to give the running a try. I’m mad and yelling inside my head but I’ll try it. I’m bracing myself for someone to yell something at me. As I turn the corner I started running. I’m waiting for it, waiting to hear something hurtful, waiting to get what I deserve.
Then someone yells… “you go girl!” I immediately started to cry! I’m running and crying and I can’t stop!! I must have been such a sight! I couldn’t help it though. How could it be that in that moment, at that one time when all I needed was a little push, a stranger yells such uplifting words to me. Really!? That just happened?!

Shopping for a wedding dress was a big surprise too. I was concerned about letting myself cry, but more concerned with crying for the wrong reasons. I was unsure of whether shopping for a dress was going to bring up all those insecurities. I wanted to be able to cry for the right reasons. I didn’t want to cry because I felt badly about my body and how I looked in the dresses. I was really scared of all that old junk coming up. I didn’t realize it until I was talking to Lance about the day that not once did I think anything bad about myself. There wasn’t one second of thought concerning something I didn’t like. I let people I love and strangers at times see me at my most vulnerable. Never did I try to cover up, turn away or think, that part is ugly. I didn’t expect that considering where I’ve been. God sure knows how to make a gal feel good and I’m so thankful that sometimes I listen ❤