Boy did I

So…I didn’t kick anything in the face and I sure as sh*t didn’t kick fear.

I did however get pie all over mine (more then once!) (kinda of a lot actually!) that looks a little like humbleness.

Maybe that was the first step. I think I would’ve preferred not to go through being a fool but in a way the heaviness of needing to feel good or perfect or smart or with it or nice all the time is gone.

I’m never all of those things all the time. My ego however would like to lead me that way. I’m some of those things some of the time. And none of those things a lot of the time! 😉

It’s an amazing thing to have people in your life that despite your mistakes, downfalls, and grumpy a#%hole behavior…still love you. But they don’t just love you they want to take care of you, want to help you, laugh at you when you’re being a bratty baby and think of you better then you could ever think of yourself.

I sent a txt to some of these people yesterday asking for help and prayer. I know this junk talker and I thought this person had talked junk about me. I was not in any sort of mood to deal with it. They all replied with very helpful and encouraging words. Each one of them without knowing the other one had, said in one form or another they were going to kick my junk talkers a&$!

Now, of course that wouldn’t happen but the thought of these people wanting to go to bat for me was really overwhelming!

It’s sometimes easy to forget those around you who are down for you no matter what. (humbleness pie #2,000)

I guess if I’m down for them no matter what I should trust they feel the same. But that’s hard right and I never think of myself as good as I think of others.

Sometimes I wonder if all my fear just comes from not wanting to look like a fool. Could it really be that simple? I think maybe, for the moment at least I’m willing to find out.

We will see

Ugh…the transition back into writing on this anxiety inducing hot mess of a blog feels much tougher than it needs to be.

I have been wanting to get back on here but I’ve been taking a break from life. In all it’s awesome and wonderful fear inducing forms. Which especially means steering clear of being open and vulnerable.

Doing those two things could (and will) cause a lot of discomfort and pain. But since I have the biggest thickest head of them all (not to mention a man forehead 😉 I get to learn the lesson (why those two things are worthy of doing) over and over again!
Fuuuuudge!
(I would seriously kill some right now)

Poops just came in for a snuggle! Literally squeezed himself into a ball to fit in between my face and the phone! Hey, if my poopie thinks I’m cool that’s all I need.
(well, maybe Jesus…and my Lancey…and Taco Bell 😉

So I thought maybe listing off my fears daily or weekly or jeesh! (maybe even hourly, sometimes it’s like that right) could be helpful.

For the last four months fear has been having a lot of fun at my expense. It’s kept me from

-writing more on this thing
-talking to people
-talking in front of people
-dealing with conflict
-eating better
-exercising more
-stop eating suger (it’s sooo good!)
-getting a second job
-pursuing a masters
-loving those around me better
-being more open and vulnerable
-meeting knew people

Staying the path of safety gets to a point when it doesn’t feel very good anymore. I’ve been safe for several years (more then I care to admit) when it comes to school, work and my health.

I started to take becoming healthier more seriously in the past two months. I’m doing this game thing with a friend and her family. It’s been really helpful and motivating to do it with others! Me, Kaylee Latham O’Neal, joined a gym! No, I’m not sh*tting you! Pretty sure hell just froze!

Just now, I had the thought, “eh, your an old lady and that’s what we do.” I bet most people when they get into their thirties start caring about their health. Maybe that’s the way of things. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Either way it’s been great and terrible all at the same time! But worth it.

I haven’t however ventured into school and work. That seems the hardest of them all. It makes me angry how fearful I am about changing any aspect of those situations. It can feel suffocating and impossible. I tend to feel stuck in something I don’t think I want but don’t know how to change.

Brene Brown (this totally inspiring amazing woman!) said, “Faith for me became a midwife standing next to me saying, push…it’s supposed to hurt a little bit.”

I’m done avoiding it. I’m not too sure I’m ready but maybe God has something up her sleeve.

thirty one

My birthday in Paris, that seems really unbelievable! It’s interesting what life can bring you. At different times through out our trip I have thought, “I’m on my honeymoon, with Lance!?” I think I’m still surprised at times we are together and now surprised we are married. Maybe that’s crazy but if I stop to think, my life looked very different to 21 year old me. I wonder what I will think about 31 year old me as I turn 41.

It’s nice to think about what could happen in 10 years. It’s also scary. Since we have been away I left my phone on airplane mode. In this mode you can use the phone for Internet but not calling or txting. I haven’t received any calls or txts the entire time we have been away except for one from my brother. It was really interesting the one that got through. The txts are not supposed to work but for whatever reason this one did. He always sends out song lyrics to my family and I. This one ended up being lyrics to a heavy metal song. I didn’t recognize the lyrics but I looked it up and read them. They were actually really helpful and kinda what I needed to hear. It’s a fighting song about not giving up and really going for it.

Maybe this next 10 years I may need to do a little fighting. A way in which I’m fighting for myself, what I want and what I believe. I can back away very quickly from a fight, especially if it involves me. So maybe this song will be my anthem of sorts. A heavy metal one with a lot of punch!

That song was also helpful for our trip. It’s unnerving to be someplace you don’t speak the language. It leaves me feeling very insecure and helpless. I almost have to surrender to accepting that. But in that surrender it feels like I get so much more because I have to trust God and my Lancey. Trust is hard but man it’s been so clear to me on this trip. When I don’t trust and try to go it alone it’s never as good as when I do it with someone who loves me.

Maybe the next 10 years will be trusting those who love me so that I can go for it. I don’t know but I’m excited and thankful for whatever it may bring!

Two weeks and a day

Sap alert! Sap alert! If you can’t take the mushy gushy, stop now! I don’t blame you, most of the time I surprise myself.

Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine my life to feel so full. Not just full with the good stuff but full with everything. It feels overfull with good right now but lets get real talk, sometimes this life sucks the big one. Everything in perspective though and I’m thankful the sucky parts make the good ones that much sweeter.

I got married last week to someone who loves me more than I love myself. How in the world did that happen, to me. Who would’ve thought I deserved a husband like my Lancey. The day after all I did was cry! I just couldn’t believe how much God loved us and how much all of our friends and family loved us! It couldn’t have felt any more perfect or special. I truly felt like the daughter of a King who thinks I’m the bees knees and would give me the world. In a way, He did that day.

I thought I may put up my vows with this post. I feel a little showy/egoish doing that but a couple people thought it would be nice. Then I thought since it’s all about my Lancey pants maybe it’s ok. I had a lot of help from the big Guy because I prayed all the time about what to write. The morning of our wedding I woke up super early, of course, who on earth can sleep when they’re getting married! I prayed for God to open my heart and show me the words and that’s what I wrote down! My Dude hooked a girl up! That’s actually how I write all these never ending smooshy cheese fests I call a blog!

Ok, so here’s my vows, BIG TIME sap alert on these!

I vow
-To love you out loud

you ask me almost everyday, “why do I love you?”

I always say something silly or quick,
“because you’re pretty, or funny”

What I want to say is something much more meaningful but much more difficult.

What I want to say is,

“I love you because you have shown me a Love I never knew was there. One that made me Love myself more. That showed me what I deserve and am worthy to have. A Love I didn’t know I had inside of me. A heart I didn’t know anyone cherished or would want to be loved back with. With your Love I can do scary things. Like tell a room full of 100 people why I Love you so much! It pushes me to want more for myself. Because you know when I’m feeling badly and you always say, “come sit with me and tell me about it.” Because you always know how to make me feel better and say that one thing to make everything all right. A Love given to you by a King who gave me his Prince.

I vow
-To trust you

You said, “move to Worcester.”
I said, “no way!”
You said, “it will be great and you’ll like it”

I found a city to fall in love with. To be proud of and thankful for because it gave me you. It gave me a community of people to love and be loved by. A city with the biggest underdog heart (just like mine) that gives me a place to call home.

You said, “come work with me and teach kids”
I said, “no, I can’t do that”
you said, “they will love you just like I do”

I found a heart I didn’t know I could share. Those students we first taught together changed my life. It was the first time I felt I was doing something good. I was doing something worthy. It changed how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

You said, “come to this church with me”
I said, “now you’ve really gone crazy”
you said, “I promise you will love it, there are people there just like you.”
I said, “this one your really going to pay for”

I found a God I didn’t believe in. Who showed me a woman I didn’t know was there. Who gave me a life I never knew existed. Who loves me just as I am.

You see me and want me to become better than I could ever imagine. Because you see me how God sees me. All of the biggest moments in my life that have shaped who I am and changed it forever have been because you said,

Trust me…yes, you can

0 days

It’s that day! I’m pretty sure it felt like it was never going to come. It’s crazy, every step of the way it still feels a little surreal. Sometimes I forget I’m the bride. People are driving me to our rehearsal. My best friend from forever made me the bouquet made of bows to carry down the isle. Its such an interesting feeling.

My Mom said last night to take it all in. To stop and feel everything. She said she saw my Dad and I stopping as we walked through the door before walking down the isle and waiting, just for a second to let it sit with us. I loved that so much. It meant a lot for her to remind me of that and to know I wouldn’t want to miss feeling that moment in my heart.

1 day

Oh.my.goodness! I am so overwhelmed with the amount of love I feel. Everyone is just pouring it out. The water works started yesterday and I guess it’s going to continue today! I think I may have cried 4 or 5 times!

People are stepping up to help and show so much support and encouragement! I feel so special and unbelievably loved by soapy people! (I keep trying to say “so many” but it keeps auto correcting to “soapy!”)

These last couple weeks have been the most peaceful and joyful in this entire experience! Lance and I have had everything go the smoothest it could have gone.

I made a quilt for our marriage and not once did anything happen as I was doing it. I always mess something up when making it. I always have to go back to undo something. I will mess it up and have to take 3 steps back. This quilt however was the easiest and smoothest project I have ever made. Even this small desire of my heart was easy.

I am feeling so thankful for everyone’s help and support! It takes a community to plan a wedding and to start a marriage! And I totally feel that community of family and friends loving us! I am a daughter of a King (thanks Momma!) and I truly feel it because all the love he has shown me through those around me!

3 days

I don’t receive things very well. Help from other people, love from other people, compliments. It’s interesting, (haha! I went to write, “the one thing I don’t do well”) there’s a gajillion things I don’t do well! Lets start that sentence over. “One” of the things I don’t do well is receive but it’s interesting because it was the first way I felt God in my life.

Alll you do is receive from others when planning a wedding. I needed to receive money to help with the wedding. Love from Lance and everyone involved. Constructive feedback from people I loved. Support in making it though this whole process. Help with putting it all together. Encouragement to know we can make it. Letting other people plan events for…just me! (that was a tough one.) I have to say it’s been such a wonderful experience! It’s difficult to know if people want to do these things and then to accept it. But the more I let it happen and trust they did, the more I felt their love for me and the love God has for them.

I think I struggle with whether I deserve something or not! I had to work through feeling like I deserved everyone’s attention. Feeling like I deserved a beautiful wedding for people to come to. In the beginning I was trying to find the perfect place to get married. I realized I was trying so hard because I thought if it was perfect then people would want to come. Ugh! Admitting those feelings are pretty hard and uncomfortable. Every time I do though I find people I love (and who love me) and God on the other end of those feelings.

I had to give a woman today a lot of money for doing my hair and makeup on the day of the wedding. Man, that was a very hard thing to do. Money feels so important and to spend such a big amount on just me seems frivolous and vain. I came home kind of a bear after. Lance, always knowing when I’m feeling badly was all over it. After being a bear for awhile I finally admitting to struggling with spending the money on myself. Jeesh! Sometimes I just need that reassurance I’m not a bad person for doing something and I do deserve them.

5 days

I am so afraid of crying. Jeesh, I know, I know it’s like enough already! Sorry! Someday maybe y’all will be saying, “shut that cry baby up!” For now though, Lance is comforting me and saying, “It’s ok to cry, especially at our wedding.”

I went to see a friends play tonight. He’s such an amazing guy. Always doing something creative, fun and worthy. I have always admired his ability to put himself out there. To take risks and all the while just being himself. His play tonight was just that. All about who he is and what makes him up. I felt like I was watching someone’s heart unfold in front of me. It was so unbelievable moving and it made me cry. (Ok, so I cried, but nobody saw it!) What a chance to take! What an incredibly wonderful thing to watch. To see someone be so vulnerable.

That is how I would love to be next Thursday, and from here on out for that matter. To let my heart hang out for the whole world to see! To know whatever is in my heart is worthy of sharing. My friends play was so inspiring and really encouraging! His heart was courageous, funny, sweet and caring. And mine is bigger for seeing it.

6 days

If you have ever felt powerless, done something scary or felt out of place, please watch this video!! I promise you will leave it feeling better, excited and hopeful!!!

I have always felt powerless. I am only now in the last few years starting to gain what I feel is some sort of power over myself and my life. I should say, it’s really a giving over and taking on a new way to live. I was painfully shy at times growing up and hardly ever spoke up about anything, especially if it had to do with me. When I wouldn’t speak up for myself it become who I was.

Planning a wedding has taught me many things and I’ve had the chance to speak up a lot. I haven’t always chosen to do it. I used to not realize any of these things. Now however, when I don’t use my voice I can really understand what happens and how it makes me feel. Really small and helpless. This happened to me the other day at a meeting. I had wanted so badly to speak up but felt scared to cause any conflict. In the meeting I could feel myself hunching over, talking quietly and like Amy said in the video putting my hands on my neck. I knew as I was doing it, it was wrong but in the moment it’s hard to stop. It didn’t become a big deal (I think because i shared it) but I talked to lance and prayed. I felt thankful for the experience actually. It helped me to realize who I wasn’t anymore. Man, I just realized that! That’s so funny, I knew there was a reason I loved that video so much!

A friend of mine asked me a month or so ago, “What are you day dreaming about for the wedding?” She always has the best questions! She’s a really amazing woman who I am so lucky to have in my life. I was surprised by the question because I didn’t think about other people day dreaming. It’s almost this private thing that I do but don’t talk about it. Not because it’s bad or anything but I just don’t say, “hey, I was day dreaming about this today.” Who knows, maybe I will start!

I told her I was day dreaming about my vows. I am excited to say them to Lance but also nervous because it’s public speaking. And it’s not just regular public speaking but the harder kind. The kind where you may cry and you speak all heart words, it will be a first for me. After watching this video I thought it was helpful because now I can do all my power poses as I’m about to talk! I didn’t know it was going to show me so much more.

7 days

I was thinking this morning I wanted to feel everything that crossed my heart. I wanted to know exactly what getting married will feel like. Sometimes I can ignore feelings or push them aside because they seem scary and overwhelming. This blog popped into my head as I was asking God to let my heart be open to everything.

I had stopped doing the blog because I needed a break from writing everyday and from being vulnerable. Doing both of those things was a lot of work so I thought taking some time off would be helpful. But I really think I was giving a little push back because of what was happening in my heart.

Now that I am one week (!!!!) away from getting married I realized I don’t want to miss anything during this next week and especially on the day of! It’s funny, I never expected to get married and I never thought I would care about wanting to experience and feel every moment that day will bring me. I have to admit I don’t think I could be more excited!! Lance (my husband in 7 days, that feels so crazy to say!!) said yesterday, everyone he talked to said their wedding day went by fast and blurry. My first thought was relief and “oh that’s good!” But if I’m honest with myself and let my heart do the talking instead of my fear I want that day to be filled to the brim with emotion! I want to remember how my heart felt with every word spoken, with every hug given, with every kiss stolen. I want the day to be the beginning of a marriage where my heart is safe and open to love and to let Lance love me. To share all that has been given to me with him. To continue our life together but also start a new one.

I am doing all sorts of things I never thought I would, so I’m excited about my life I thankfully get to spend with Jesus and my Lancey! Both of them have shown me so much more than I ever thought possible. Here’s to trying to live my life being vulnerable with people and my heart!